To be isolated. To be shunned. To not fit in.
Predicaments and feelings which I am VERY familiar with. Situations which I was quite used to being in back in my teen years.
Recently, in class, there was this guy. He was kind of weird. I mean, REALLY weird. Yes, that day we were divided into groups and since our numbers in the class were uneven, there was bound to be an odd one out. That guy was the odd one out.
He was practically pleading in front of the class so that anyone would take him into their group. Everyone was quiet. i dont know what got into me. I was actually "wanting" him in my group. Hell, i dont even know him. I dont even know what kind of guy he is. Why did I even do it? My group members did NOT agree with me, totally.
I was not trying to be nice. I am not NICE in the first place. Its just....that sense of guilt I felt. How can I judge him without knowing him first? Like I did to my other friends, which most of the time I was proven wrong. I know what it feels like to be in his position. I have many bitter experiences of which I dont want to write here. Should pretend like it did not happen?
the feeling of guilt was intensified when it reminded me of my Autistic brother. How will life treat him when he is thrown into the groups of people who are not like him? People who never know whats it like being him? How will everyone treat him? How will I take it seeing other people mistreating him?
What im trying to say here is that im not trying to say that im doing something good. Im trying to save my self. From being burdened by guilt. I regret that my sense of guilt is too overpowering that it clouds my judgement. I resent it but too bad it is a part of who I am.
I will give him this one chance. All I expect is that he does his work (i should remind him that i dont take half-assed work lightly). All i want is him to be there when he is needed. What am I scared of? Nothing much. I've been working with people who are FAR WORSE in comparison, and made it through by myself. This will only small problem.
Im not seeking friendship. Just someone to manipulate, someone to do things towards my end end.