Friday, October 31, 2008

her story

An old friend of mine IM'ed me the other day and she asked me to read a short story she wrote in her blog. She said that it was written when she was feeling sad, meanwhile, at the same time, unexpectedly, strangely enough, she asked me if it was funny.
Well, she asked me what I thought about it. I thought it is interesting and thoughtful. For those who are interested, the story goes like this:


Have you ever felt a man you love has abused you in a lot of ways?

The way you think, the way you talk, what you wear, the decisions that you make and wherever you want to go?

The ugliest woman is a woman who doesn't have confidence in herself. The one who is so vulnerable to the things surround her. Who gets an inch to jealousy and insecurity when a man tells her about how she looks and what he likes.

A woman like her, lives in a small world of her own far away from everyone else. Because, she doesn't really know if she can handle every judgments and ideas of her life. To her, everything is just a lie. Everyday becomes hundred years to go.

A man should come to woman's life and make her feel beautiful. However, how much does a man need to do to build or create a woman's fairytale?

A man, is selected among all other stars in the sky. When he came down to the earth hundreds of thousand years ago he was nothing but a man who got his mind straight to his point.

Whereas, woman was selected among all other fishes in the sea, and she was then called the mermaid. The sea was too cold thousand years ago and the mermaid decided to swim to the land for a new life.

One day, the man saw the mermaid and fell in love at first sight.

They had a baby.

Mermaid's scales came off from her body after 50 years and they lived another 2,000 Naked Years.

Civilisation started soon after and clothes were made to men n women.

They were wearing Tiger branded dresses for hundreds of years until Leopard skins became popular.

Mermaid realised, Man has lost a slight interest of her. She cried everynight hoping Man would fall in love with her again. Everyday, she looked at herself into the river and asked what was wrong with her?

Mermaid felt sad and became very sick.

They got older and older and older. And Mermaid was still a very distraught woman.

Before Mermaid breathe her last breath, she asked Man why had he lost interest in her.

Man answered, "because you looked a lot better when you were naked".

Then she died.

(Created, copyrighted and sole property of by Sara the Aristocratic Adventurer, in 2008. I'm merely hosting this webpage.)


First of all, this story is not actually funny. I find it to be quite a serious one. If I was to point one funny bit, it would be when people switched from "tiger brand to leopard skins". ok, Im not here to analyze this story because that's so dumb and I did that so many times in goddamn literature class. So, to hell with that. I'm here to comment.
I think this one's quite good actually. I can actually feel the thoughts that go through the whole writing. There are a couple of faults here and there, but nothing to be fussed about. One thing, there's sadness to this story. i don't know what she meant by funny. The ending which is:

"because you looked a lot better when you were naked".

...reminds me of, well, me. And us. Everyone else too. Our youth is the most exciting part of our lives. The best. We were 'naked'. Exposed. Pure. We are who we are. We were learning. We discover things, and ultimately, we discover ourselves. It reminds me the joy I have for writing. I wrote quite a lot back then. I didn't write about fiction. Not about world issues. Not about national concerns. Neither on oil prices. Politics? Thats far out.

I always wrote about the things I see around me. Narrative in first person perspective. I scrutinize them. Like, " Who's that girl sitting in the teacher's desk?" "What colour is she wearing?" "What's she doing?" "Who is she and what's she really like?" "Who's that guy?" "What time is it?" "what am i Supposed to do?" "What's that noise?" Why am I stupid?" etc.
Well, I wouldn't actually say that my writing was top class. My language was not that good. It was fragmented, choppy and sometimes out of syntax and redundant.

What matters is: I captured the moment.

Not with pictures, medals, landmarks or awards. But with words. Words that will be re-written (or probably not) and re-read. Those words which are vivid to those who were there. Writing things the moment it happened can be a lot better than writing epic poetry. It is a memory for one to keep.

"Civilisation started soon after and clothes were made to men n women.

They were wearing Tiger branded dresses for hundreds of years until Leopard skins became popular".

This part reminds me how much people change over time. Clothes are like the new 'us' that we gradually develop/adopt in the process of growing up. It is meant to hide those things that make us 'naked', like a mask. And then, some are meant to make us strong. Some are made to attract. And some are meant to be fake. We become dependent to these 'clothes' that we forget, and ultimately, abandon who we really are. But there's no one to blame on that. We constantly change, so much that it is hard to keep track of it all. And we forget.
Like how Tiger brands are replaced by Leopard skins.

Want to know what's the saddest part? She believes that I could write nice stories.

I couldn't. At least, I couldn't write one with the way I am now. I don't even remember when's the last time I wrote something good. Most importantly, I don't even remember since when did I start writing pieces of crap. I forgot my dreams. Yes, I did dreamt about being an engineer but that was because of expectations. I dreamt of being a writer, writing what matters to me.

"Please write from your heart this time"

Heart, huh? Now where did I put the damned thing?

Oh, boy.

This is gonna take a while.....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Words. You'd wish there was more.

I was listening to Jason Mraz's "Did You Get My Message", last night. In the first verse, he sang "have you ever wondered what happened to the words that we send?". And i thought what happened to the words that we said? Are they lost among the other words we speak? Do they change from bending and breaking in the flight that they take? Do they remain?

The next morning, I was texted by an unknown number, starts with +614, go figure. It goes "is this irwan?". Ah, an old friend. Its been long since I had anyone address by my first name. I asked 'em back who it is then the reply was something familiar, "her name is desert type. Oh, how bizzare. What a clown..." Oh, its her. Then there was something about getting coffee together with the other guys when returns and stuff.

******* ******* *******

In the evening, she buzzed me on my IM. It was quite surprising, given that we havent said anything for quite a long time. We talked about how words should be written more, when we couldn't speak. She lamented that she wrote a lot therefore she found it hard to speak.

"but when u write more, u speak more"

Then again, the outcome was quite contradictory. The more we write, the more we speak - in our minds. How is it possible? Is it possible? Because of writing, we speak less, reduced to moving our hands about desperately trying to get something across.

We'd ask ourselves, "what happened to all the words that we said?"

Do they bend?

Do they break?

And then come back together again? (Jason Mraz)

She said, "It brings back all kinds of memories". and the other things she thought she was missing out. Wishing she could observe the surroundings and when the moments are written down in words. The words.

I wish I could go back and write down the feelings I have....(Suddenly, this sounds familiar)

She mentions that she read my diary, again. (I used to have a "journal" which I use to write down things that happen, things I see and anything I think of writing about. At first, it was private. Then, it became less personal and I let some of my friends read them. Turns out they enjoyed it. Wish I could write something like that.
A year or so after finishing school, she insisted that I'd mail it to her. Which I did, because I thought I may not be needing it anymore).

It was embarrassing. Then we'd talk about friends whom we haven't heard for quite some time. Right before we ended our chat, I said:

"Always write a copyright reminder for everything you write".

Then, she insisted me to go to her blog. And, there, I found (or saw) it........

A page of my diary. What she wanted to show is that my name is cited:

"This diary is a sole property of Irwan Huzen Matusin.Created and copyrighted in 2000 by Irwan Huzen Matusin. This site is hosted by...."

Thats not just my name. Not even nickname. Its the whole bunch. I am not at the liberty of revealing the blog's address, because it is embarrassing. Yet, I find nostalgic. How I was honest, pure and straightforward. And how I wish I could write like I did back in the days.

Smile for the screenshot!

I have to say this: if you like FPSes, you're on a budget and you have a not-uber-powerful PC; the Orange Box is the best thing you could ever spend your money on. Its not just 5 great games in one but a whole lot more. There are a lot of other mods out there that can be a standalone game by their own rights. Here's a few: Age of Chivalry (warfare of the middle-ages), Insurgency (intense realistic urban combat), Zombie Panic (zombies vs. survivors) and much much more.

I was playing on a local server, one night and cant help but notice something. Every player was wearing a birthday hat. Everytime you blow someone up, their gibs (definition: chunks of meat) are replaced with present boxes, ribbons and other stuff you'd get for clobbering a pinata. Blood spatter? They got em replaced with balloons. I guess this is one of those parental control custom file mods, reducing the amount of in-game violence.

he was kind enough to pose for the screenshot.

the pyro too.

the heavy too.

I find this post pointless.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

No pun intended

lawl! No offence to Izza's blog. I just find this amusing.

Monday, October 20, 2008

MG-42: Exposed

This is an elaborate disassembly of one of the world's most prominent and reliable general purpose machine gun system ever made, the Machine-Gewehr 42 (or widely known as the MG-42). It provides an effective machine gun solution during World War 2. It is lightweight, portable, easy mounting and has a high rate of fire. Some of its advantages is the barrel can be easily removed and replaced in events of overheating. Overheating became very common with the weapon due to its rate of fire: it is said to be 1200 rounds per minute. This explains how the outnumbered Germans managed to outgun the Allies during the Normandy beach landings.

Pah! Show Off!

Towards the final week of the semester, everyone's striving hard to excel in their studies (or just plain struggling trying to complete assignments on time). Well, mostly trying to finish their assignments on time because of their lack of initiative, which leads to extreme procrastination and then having them whine in regret that they should never postpone work that could be done in a couple of days and should always start early. This, happens only towards the of the semester. A new semester means resetting their brains back to their original shameless procrastinating self which is very shameful for a couple of university students to act like a bunch of shameless schoolchildren who shamelessly procrastinate their homework and then at the final moments they managed to conjure a shameful piece of work (there are some who gave up and prepare themselves for the inevitably shameful "F'" in their transcripts which then in turn having them shamefully repeat the same subject of which shamelessly they would fail again) and submit the shameful piece of cow pudding the lecturers, shamlessly, and then put the whole university to shame with such piece of shameful work of which they have to grade and finally, feeling shameful, compare with other universities where the students have the decency to start their work early and compile them weeks before submission. Shame on you. And me.

A lot of the others also whine about the loads of assignments towards the end of this semester, which in turn makes this post a cliche and less than unique. However, I'm not going to impress anyone with the ramblings on the consequences of my silly uncurable (incurable?) gamete disease of pro-cras-ti-na-tion. But I'm going to write about something that will impress me (or people who are like me, good luck finding them). In the midst of the hectic final weeks of study, I am able to find time to satisfy my inner gaming geekiness. I am to gloat of my recent achievement. Observe:

This is my steam account page

Steam rating of 10. Thats a minimum of 30 accumulated play hours.

By this, I am prepared to face the severe consequences that will be severely inflicted on my grades, again.

I am told that bloggers are a group of unique monkeys. Just like you and me.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

My side of the law

I don't think I going to delete the last post by our guest blogger, Eric.

First, I think it could provide some humour.
Second, a reminder of how vulnerable we are on the net despite being hidden behind a computer screen.

Spamming is highly unethical in the net. Spam only when in contempt.

Friday, October 17, 2008



Heart Broken



Wonder what's with all this nonsense?
Im still crying over the last post.

It only costs USD 21.95 and I could talk with my dad - for his credit card. I can afford to pay for that!!!

Working BB replicas of G36s, M249s and P90s all within my grasp yet taken away by the limitations of the national legislation against firearms (and its replicas).

I shall eat Ice-Cream while watching endless DVDs of chickflicks. Because I am sad and heartbroken.


Airsoft: For Passionate Geeks, Like Me

It has always been one of greatest fascinations: firearms. Yes, you may say that I watched to many movies, I've played too many games and I've dreamed one too many dreams. How can a mechanism that sends small projectiles flying through the air at high speeds be interesting? I don't know. What I do know is boys like me are often fascinated by technology and the mechanics of how particular machinery works. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

What do you do, when you're a guy like me, who love firearms but do not want to hurt anyone in the process of collecting them?

The Answer is : AIRSOFT

Airsofts are replicas of firearms that actually shoots (not bullets, but little pellets called BBs). These guns come in two flavors: battery powered and gas blowbacks. I can't tell the actual difference in performance of the two. What amazes me is the striking resemblances of the airsofts with its real life counterparts. The magazine is loaded the same way. Every little details are crafted to near perfection. Its like they're made by the same mold. There are differences, though, from the real ones:

1. They're made of plastic.
2. They're lighter.
3. When fired, no muzzle flash, no recoil.
4. Most noticeable, the tip of the barrel is marked red or orange - I assume its a part of regulations to enable law enforcers to identify them as non-lethal replicas.

Here's one of my favourites, which costs USD 21.95 (USD 19.50 on sale):

This is what I believe to be the replica of G36 from German's H&K. Its a spring airsoft, which requires you to cock for every shot. Spring airsofts are the most low cost and easy maintenance of all airsofts due to the absence of the need to replace batteries and gases, also there's few parts to disassemble.

Here is the real life model - A G36C (A C variation because the barrel length is reduced for close quarters operations). This one has a 30mm launcher attachment below the barrel.

My second favourite is the M249 SAW, with this one pricing at USD 499 (USD 375 on discount, GOSH!):

This airsoft has a large portion of metal parts, which explains the price. Here's a little background: the M249 SAW (small automatic weapon) is a light machinegun meant to be portable and flexible for the infantry to carry into combat. Fires 5.56 mm rounds, weighing around 5.1 kg (w/o ammunition), touted as SAW because it is believed to be able to cut a man in two when fired fully auto. Currently by US Marines as a part of infantry (used to suppress enemy infantry).

Below is the real M249. Looks pretty much the same, isn't it?

This is also on my wishlist, the FN F2000 (USD 139.00):

For those of you who are familiar with splinter cell, the FS2000 could be a familiar face. Its a Belgian made 5.56mm bullpup (a bullpup is a rifle that has its mag and action behind the trigger). The airsoft model is actually the basic model. It is bulky but it looks like one of those futuristic sci-fi rifles, straight outta Halo.

This is the real thing. The FN FS2000 (with an "S") . This one has a mounted scope sight and an underslung 40mm launcher.

I think I could afford the price, given that I'd save enough money for months (and not just a few months, say I'll have to get a PT job). However, there is always a catch for all things good - spoiling the fun and joy. Malaysia has a strict policy against firearms and its replicas (even the non-firing ones too). So, it means attempting to own, transport, and sell one of these will have them consfiscated and you facing legal consequences.

I have thought of smuggling one of these babies but the risk is just too big. I really really wanted these for a long long long time. Maybe I should work hard for paintballing equipment. I heard there are modification that can make your paintball gun to look like an MP5 or an M4.

The Belgian P90 PDW. The most awesome modern SMG, ever.

The unrequited love that I know will never work. I am heartbroken.

Monday, October 13, 2008

First Tag

Say it like you mean it! YAY!

Got tagged by Izza (thanks mate!) . I don't get tagged quite often so I'll be doing this.

10 Food I really long for:

1. Fresh Celery and peanut butter
2. Nasi kosong berlaukkan harapan.
3. My sister's specialties
4. Mee bandung and Nasi putih
5. Soto/bakso and nasi putih
7. A can of cream corn
8. McFlurry! Now they have berry and mudpie!
9. Mamee Tomyam + Telur Goreng + Sayur + Sosej+Tauhu + Squid Roll +Etc -
10. Izza's chewy cookies (LOL!)

10 stuff I like to do

1. Play PC games
2. Toilet reading
3. Collecting stuff
4. Playing my guitar and then sing. Sometimes I just do either.
5. get some alone time.
6. Lie down
7. Do something unexpected
8. Offend people
9. Surprise others
10. talk trash

5 types of women I adore

1. Women who tell me where I went wrong, politely
2. Ones who are humble yet proud
3. Ones who are strong but also delicate at the same time
4. Ones who are "different"
5. Ones that know when not to talk so much

5 things I do when feeling down:

1. Lie down
2. Laugh to myself
3. Alone time
4. Play dem PC games
5. Taking long walks or long bus rides

5 things I do when I'm happy:

1. Talk. A lot
2. Play my games (pwning & don't mind if im losing)
3. Treat myself to something
4. Sing out loud
5. Hang out with frens

10 ways to win my heart

1. be genuine
2. respect yourself, and me in the process
3. Tell me where i went wrong and help me
4. Tolerate the people around me (family + frens) cuz I can't stand them either
5. criticize but never ridicule
6. My boots don't need shining. Say it only when you mean it.
7. be moderate
8. I think I shouldnt be too demanding, to be realistic.

5 junk food I enjoy

1. some of those sour strips (blue, preferably)
2. Dried guava (is this junk? Its full of vitamins they say)
3. Mangga muda with serbuk asam Tanjung Aru-style
4. Rice crackers (again, is this junk food?)
5. Ice-Cream

5 things I wish could happen soonish

1. Payday
2. The best day of my life
3. Me on stage singing with me guitar
4. Weekends and ultimately, holidays
5. The day I become a good man

10 ridiculous things I wish to do before I kick it

1. Go to war, get involved in urban combat and see how long I can last.
2. Walk through a number of interstates. Hike, I mean.
3. Blow up an old building. Bye bye National Heritage. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
4. Be world champion in something
5. Get into a fistfight and emerge victorious
6. Have a gun collection (at least some Airsoft)
7. Write a book on something that makes me a controversial figure.
8. Kick someone in the ass, literally.
9. Using my superior skills, sneak into an establishment (preferably government's) and break into private areas, then get out undetected. Sneaking can be the ultimate thrill.
10. Get on top of the tallest building and shout "PRICK!!!" at the top of my lungs

10 recent songs / music I'm really into:

1. Mr. Curiosity - Mraz
2. Beautiful Mess - Mraz
3. Eye of the Tiger - Rocky OST
4. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits
5. Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson
6. Unplayed Piano - Damien Rice & Lisa Hannigan
7. Cliffs of Dover - Eric Johnson
8. Have you ever been mellow - Olivia Newton John
9. You have killed me - Morrissey
10. Honest Questions - Daniel Bedingfield

Im tagging:

1. I don't know anyone who haven't been tagged yet. So, if you're reading this, considered yourself tagged. Do comment when you do. Don't be shy.

Oh, yeah. Here's some:

2. Puteri Nurul
3. Im's
4. Jess
5. Amanda


Sunday, October 12, 2008


This post is for the people who matters the most but often forgotten. but they're not dead yet, mind you

I am a lucky child. I have a hardworking dad (like, super hardworking. Can't sit still for one second.). A crabby yet concerned and caring mom. A big sister who does what a big sister does. A quiet, yet highly demanding little sister. And a special little brother.

Although I don't call you guys often, I'd like you to know I have always loved being in the family and I will return to this family once i'm done doing what I wanted to do with my life.

(its seems that they are not aware of this blog. Sooner or later, then.)

back to work....

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Today's horoscope

Today's Horoscope reads:

"The best way to ensure that you have more money later is to start saving more of it, now! This simple rule seems logical, but logic usually flies out the window when you are standing in front of a new gadget you want. So today, start a new trend. When you are tempted by a new goodie in a store, just say no! It might feel like the entire gravitational pull of the earth is forcing you to plunk down your hard-earned cash, but it's not. You have the power to improve your spending habits."

"...logic usually flies out of the window when you are standing in front of a gadget you want..."?

Damn! How true!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


Exactly at 11.30 a.m., I received a call from Mr. Malek from HEP and he said "Can you meet me at the counter, ASAP?"

I was like "huh"?

I ask what this is about and he said "oh, takde apa-apa. Datang je".

That doesn't sound good. Is it because the hours I skipped? The fines I havent paid? Do I go to the disciplinary board for a trial?

What did I do this time?


Monday, October 06, 2008

we have a situation

not going to blog about raya, about feelings or about how depressed im getting lately. its about the love for my home state. It goes like this:

"Kebanyakan ahli politik Sabah berkecimpung dalam bidang tersebut kerana ingin mengumpul harta kekayaan dan menyusahkan rakyat semata-mata (tapi, alhamdullilah, masih ada sebilangan kecil yang berusaha ke arah kemakmuran negeri di bawah bayu yang tercinta).

Antara kata-kata emas yang sangat digemari dan menjadi rutin untuk memberi penjelasan terhadap isu-isu tertentu:

"Kita berserah kepada kerajaan persekutuan".

ehem ehem *code switching*

We have a George W. Bush Situation happening here.

Majulah bangsa Demi Negara!"

There you go. I'm done. Now, let me get back to dealing with my depressing life.

Some advice

Whenever someone tells you that love can be complicated and depressing, you shut up and listen.