Wednesday, July 30, 2008
1. If you work too hard, there is never time for her. If you don't, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
2. If she has a boring and repetitive job, its exploitation. If you do you should get off your ass and find a better one.
3. If you get a promotion ahead of her, its called favouritism. If she gets promoted ahead of you, its called equal opportunity.
4. If you mention how nice she looks, its called sexual harrassment. If you dont, its called male indifference.
5. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you dont, you're not being thoughtful.
6. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you dont, you're insensitive.
7. If you make decision without consulting her, you're a control freak. If she makes one without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
8. If you ask her something she does not enjoy, its called manipulation. If she asks you, its a favour.
9. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered. If you dont, you're a slob.
10. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egoist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
11. If she's had a headache, she's tired. If you had a headache, you dont love her anymore.
In fact, thats whats really happening to me right now. Im being moody. Its like I have these times where i get moody just like that. Like waking up feeling everything is not alright. And for some reason, im being moody pretty often lately.
Whenever I am moody, the following things happens:
1. I dont feel like talking.
2. I dont want to make eye contact.
3. I run away from people.
4. I walk around a lot.
5. I wont probably say hi to you.
6. I space out quite often.
7. I want to be alone.
And i always end up hanging around around the INTEC Square far off and remote from Edu Fac (the one near the bus port). There are a number of people there but I dont mind. Its kinda amusing y'know: "The best way of getting privacy is to be surrounded by strangers". In my moodiness, I often avoid people I know or people who know me so that INTEC hangout is such a great place for me.
What worries me the most is that the moodiness occurs a bit too often. One minute im laughing, flirting and being a douchebag, the next i'm quiet and refuse to communicate. Whats happening? Am I under stress? Its just 4 weeks into the semester. Am I having an emotional breakdown? If yes, why and what for? Maybe I didnt ask the Almighty after prayers as to why this is so.
The moodiness also sets in whenever I am experiencing mental blocks (times when I cant produce ideas when I goddamn need them). I really hope this is not a sign of me "giving up" on whatever it is im doing.
Dad's idea of dealing with unethical drivers. Watch out for road rage.
Friday, July 25, 2008
I was in the shades of the brighter bright
Red is the colour of my passion
White in all endeavours
And you stained me
Now, the stain is my colour.
Here I am
Underneath the clouds
Zeroing out to the skies off to
Everywhere you’d be
Now, I can pretend you are here.
Making guesses when the answer is “yes”
Another heart disfigured
The timeless words
Underneath the priceless pictures
Suggesting this is happiness
“If not now, when?” you once said
Now. And now I confess, to you.
You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again.
You are strong but you’re needy,
Humble but you’re greedy
And based on your body language, your shouted cursive I’ve been reading.
You’re style is quite selective, though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is.
And what a beautiful mess this is,
It’s like picking up trash in dresses.
Well it kind of hurts when kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
‘Cause here we are, here we are.
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these
Words on paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging.
And what a beautiful mess this is,
It’s like picking up trash in dresses.
Well it kind of hurts when kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt, oh, dear
Cause here we are, Here we are.
Here we are x7
We're still here.
What a beautiful mess this is,
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.
And through timeless words, in priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it’s nice today, all the wait it was so worth it.
You're a mess but that's you and you're beautiful. In every way. Beautiful.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
It was also quite a busy moment because frens were making calls to their homes so i can help them set up their new connections as well. It spared them of the RM88 installation fee. Think of me as your cheaper less expert subcontractor.
It took a lot of time because i wasnt really sure how the thing works but hey, i did manage.
So, here we are up and running. Ready for the I-Learn Portal....unless some unnecessary distraction jumps in.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Is it failure? Or am I just the same 'ol chickenshit?
I am in love, am I? Then why am I not doing anything about it?
Why am I hiding behind the sorry excuse of being busy? i could have just ditched my frens and everything else that I have to, then make up for it later. Why am I being such a bastard to myself? Why didnt I go to the moments that happens once in every FOREVER?!
Why do i always have to miss the IMPORTANT things that I should attend, by all means?
And now WHAT? Im having a guilt trip now? Im punishing myself for it now? What GOOD is that going to do? And now im going to burden myself with all the IFs. Everytime there are chances to prove myself, I blew it and Im going to blow it again.
Now I have just made myself as the UNDESERVING because now Im nothing but CHICKENSHIT. maybe I was just plain undeserving from the beginning.
No amount of apologies can make up for this is the only thing im know right now.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Predicaments and feelings which I am VERY familiar with. Situations which I was quite used to being in back in my teen years.
Recently, in class, there was this guy. He was kind of weird. I mean, REALLY weird. Yes, that day we were divided into groups and since our numbers in the class were uneven, there was bound to be an odd one out. That guy was the odd one out.
He was practically pleading in front of the class so that anyone would take him into their group. Everyone was quiet. i dont know what got into me. I was actually "wanting" him in my group. Hell, i dont even know him. I dont even know what kind of guy he is. Why did I even do it? My group members did NOT agree with me, totally.
I was not trying to be nice. I am not NICE in the first place. Its just....that sense of guilt I felt. How can I judge him without knowing him first? Like I did to my other friends, which most of the time I was proven wrong. I know what it feels like to be in his position. I have many bitter experiences of which I dont want to write here. Should pretend like it did not happen?
the feeling of guilt was intensified when it reminded me of my Autistic brother. How will life treat him when he is thrown into the groups of people who are not like him? People who never know whats it like being him? How will everyone treat him? How will I take it seeing other people mistreating him?
What im trying to say here is that im not trying to say that im doing something good. Im trying to save my self. From being burdened by guilt. I regret that my sense of guilt is too overpowering that it clouds my judgement. I resent it but too bad it is a part of who I am.
I will give him this one chance. All I expect is that he does his work (i should remind him that i dont take half-assed work lightly). All i want is him to be there when he is needed. What am I scared of? Nothing much. I've been working with people who are FAR WORSE in comparison, and made it through by myself. This will only small problem.
Im not seeking friendship. Just someone to manipulate, someone to do things towards my end end.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I mean, this is ridiculous! The ticket was paid for, like, ever since last year. All that was needed was a date for confirmations. It costs RM 1000+ per return flight ticket - ok, i admit it was a free/sponsored ticket from our sponsors, the BPG - this way beyond ridiculous. Their reason for charging was on grounds of fuel price hikes. What really irks me is that some of my friends went to confirm 3 days earlier, but they only paid somewhere around RM 30+. For the same ticket, same destination. How does that work? How does it skyrocket in the course of 3 days? WTF is going on?
Is it because transportation cost have increased around 68% from the peninsular to homeland of Borneo? Maybe I have to stay here in the mainland, and not return home regularly? (come to think of it, this may not be a BAD idea after all, hehehhehehe :p). Or is it we have a system of Triple-Taxing in here in Malaysia? (This is also something I want to talk about. It goes like this: You have a job > you pay annual taxes. You have a home > you pay residential taxs. You want to buy a car, preferably > you pay taxes, up to 300%. You want drive the car to the interstate to see your girlfriend > you pay road taxes. You want to eat at a restaurant > you pay service and govt taxes. And so on. More on that when I have the time).
I would like the speculate that MAS is desperate trying to squeeze as much as profit as possible to keep their executives afloat with their already ridiculous paychecks. I mean, look at AirAsia. you could get a ticket to the same destination by paying 50% of what it costs at MAS. Airline meals? I could add extra RM 7 when I book my flight online and still it would cost wwwaaaaayyyy cheaper. Even more, at MAS, you don't get meals for flights under 3 hours. Instead, you get a snack-in-box (crackers, muffins, you get it). So much 5 star service. We're paying for "more-stars" service but not getting any.
i think im done ranting for now. What irks me is not whats going on with the system. Its because it costs me more money. Not just any money. Big Money. The ones I can use or save for my "future plans". Gosh!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
We took time furnishing the house. Najib hogs some furniture and a corner in house. Eric, daus n Nazmi have their own pc tables. Cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, and the refrigerator. Seems like the previous owners were a bunch of slobs. Its hard to describe the horror when we first came to house on "surveying" purposes.
I also have the liberty of typing a part of our expenditure statement in this post:
Streamyx registration: RM 295
Spending at Giant: RM 100
A trip to MyDin: RM 200
Taxi fare: RM 12
Preparing dinner at home, bantering, and violently
"insisting" Wawan to eat his veggies: OMG Priceless!
We cooked the basics. We will survive. We just know it.
The thought of learning how to cook had made top priority in my head lately. Presentation will also be really important for dinner.
Its still early in the semester so we wont be busy for at least another 2 weeks. We took the time to enjoy ourselves. There I am plucking tunes on my guitar, watching DVDs, and the occasional Call of Duty 4 (COD4) deathmatch sessions. Life was very laidback. Our broadband connection is due for another week, at least. We had to get streamyx because the lecturers are integrating i-Learn in class, which means we can submit assignments, get notes, important annoucements and discuss matter on-line in i-Learn. i think we should go with a 2 Meg connection, which means more money. GOSH! Like we havent spent so much already!
Wawan playing COD4 on Eric's uber PC. He loves stabbing people. Fear him.
We also took the liberty of training Wawan to play COD4. Turns out the little dude was a natural, even though he panicked a lot which threw his aim in every possible direction. It was good game. There were "what the hell?", "holy sh*t", "Penipuuu!" and the occasional "pukenengg!!".
We had fun.....at least for another week......
i'll write more next time.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Recently, I have been dreaming somewhat similar dreams three nights in a row. These dreams, from the way I see it, are nightmares. Some people say dreams are just, well, dreams. Purely machinations of the brain in our sleep. Some say that it tells something about a person, that it describes some of the latent content of one's mind. Some believe that dreams are indication of one's future. Either way, it really worries me.
The third dream goes something like this:
The setting: an empty, desolate city similar to the one in I Am Legend. I can't really identify which city but it sure is desolate. The situation: I'm the only survivor and I am alone. Or so I thought. It began at night when I overheard a conversation between two men when looked out of a window in the building I was sheltering in. I remember they were saying "Its time to FINISH him off". Just as the man said that, he saw me. Thats when it truly began. They ran and suddenly they were upon me. I was brandishing a Japanese sword and one was training a hunting bow. In a desperate attempt, I leaped out of the window (all the way three stories high). I ran. I ran as fast as my legs could ever hoped to take me. In fact, if this wasn't a dream, I couldn't run as fast as I did because if I did that would be against the laws of physics (gosh!). I zig zagged as I dogded every arrow that flew in my direction. At that moment, I remembered something that was totally unrelated:
"5 things that cannot be returned or taken back; (1) a speeding bullet, (2) A flying arrow, (3) A spoken word, (4) The passing time, (5) The human life taken away by our hands."
That was weird but I managed to lose the two men. I find the chase was very exhilarating, even for a dream. My heart was beating loudly. Just as I taking cover behind a truck, a group of five men half a chain away saw me. They don't look too friendly as they charged towards me. Somehow I had the courage to fight back. As the first man lifted his machete ready to hack my head off, I dashed in closer deeper than his minimum attacking distance and stole his sheathed knife on his waist. It happened in slow motion because I can see him floating in the air as he jumped, 300 Spartan-style. I kicked him away and engaged the next two men in a CQC (Close Quarter Combat) Solid Snake-style. It was scary but very very exhilarating at the same time. Every swing of their sharp weapons I dodged clumsily while desperately trying to disarm them. The rush I felt in my body as their machetes brushed their near-misses at me, for I can see the blade swing past me. The other two men had guns which made me turn and took flight. As they fired, I can feel the bullets whizzing closely to my ears and legs. This feels way too real for a dream, I thought. One bullet hit something and ricocheted onto my left leg. Thank god it was just a dream because if it was it would totally hurt. As the bullet hit me, a thought came to me:
"Everytime you play the fool, you'd only fool everyone else."
Im not sure what that has to do with what's happening around me. The exhilaration of being chased down like a prey is incredible, even for a dream. The men sounded "hungry" and they wanted me dead for reasons I could not understand nor grasp. As I was frantically running, I saw a man waving in my direction and it seems like he was offering me help. He hid me as they angry men with guns went by. My heart was beating wildly as I thanked the man who saved my life. The man looked like Asian because his face was like Jet Li or Jet Li-ish. He seemed like a good person but as he explained whats going on I can't help but notice a small Japanese sword tied around his waist. But who cares. Im safe for now. Just as I turned back to face him, he had already brandished the sword and ready for a terrifying sure-kill stab. i dodged in time and escaped. Long story short, I ran into 3 similar good-guy-wants-stab-me-in-the-back charade. I took refuge in an abandoned car. As I leaned back, another thought came to me (whoa!):
"I could do writing. I have to learn how to avoid slightly purple adjectives and vague imagery. I could also adopt a semi-archaic style."
What was THAT? So I finished resting and decided to get out from where the hell I am (wherever that was). As I emerged outside, I realised how stupid I was to let myself rest in an exposed position. I was surrounded. I can hear them moving around in the ruins. A group of men emerged. This is it, I thought. Before they reached me, they were stopped by another group of men. They were saying something like "He is ours." Another group emerged and a fight ensues between the groups. It became chaotic real quick. I was confused. Really confused. Who should I trust? Where should I run to? What kind of hope is there in this world I'm in? Why did they want me dead? And, I finally lost it. Enraged, I took a machete and started killing the men one by one. I killed every man there was. My vision was red. I was screaming. The violence I inflicted was in the crudest and primitive form. I hacked a man relentlessly. I could see him desperately protecting himself with his hands but it was futile as his limbs came off after a few hacks. There was blood. So much BLOOD. When everyone was dead, I knelt and my face was towards the sky. I laughed. Took a knife. Maybe because of guilt or just because of the sanity lost, I severed my own arm with a knife. I cut my right arm above the elbow (the knife was not good enough so it seemed vividly difficult). As the severed arm fell onto the ground, another thought hit me:
"Keep in faith, Hold on to reason."
I woke up.
The time was 3 a.m. In the dark, I was, like, "what was that all about?" What kind of dream was that? Right before I went back to sleep, another unrelated thought came to me:
"A knife on the table is just a knife. It requires the human agency to pick the knife up and slit someone's throat.
A gun on the table is also just a gun. It, too, requires the human agency to pick it up, point and shoot it at, preferably, let's say, another human being."
Let's see: a dream that's exhilarating, nonsense, weird unrelated thoughts and 3 days in a row. I just totally don't care now. Sometimes I wish I could dream about Love and Romance like I always do when I'm not asleep. Romance...that'd be nice. Just like in the movies.