Friday, May 15, 2009

Brick wall

It is an entry I'd find best written in pen and paper - a habit long forgotten - rather than being lost among the insignificant masses of codes in the digital medium.

"Brick walls are there to stop you. Brick walls are there to stop other people. Brick walls are there to stop people who are not sure of what they want. Brick walls are there to stop those who don't want it badly enough"

- Randy Pausch

Often in our adventures through life we came upon these brick walls. These walls can be made of paper, or bricks, most of the time. We scale. We smash, if we're strong and reckless enough. We stayed, put some colours on them, draw something, then walk away. Or we simply leave and find another way around.

As life progresses, we became more adept in dealing with these walls. Like I did in my academic life. However, some walls will always stop you dead in tracks. Regardless of how many times you've been through the same it will always catch you unprepared and no matter how prepared you are it will always get around you. But smashing them is not always the case. They are there for a reason.

Not long ago, I came upon one of the most formidable brick wall I've yet to come across in my life. The formidable wall was around five feet, five inches tall, very special and absolutely beautiful. The brick wall did good stopping me in my tracks. But, as I came upon it, it reduced me to rubble, made me reevaluate my entire life and led me, in a helpless fit, searching for guidance on how to scale it. Again I was feeling like a little boy. I was lost in my own thoughts. Lost in all the questions I was asking myself. It felt like everything was reset. All of a sudden, I don't know what it was all over again. What am I supposed to do?

I admit I was scared. Not scared of what had happened. Not of what will happen but, rather, I was scared because I did not know what to do. Fear is actually not knowing what to do once something happens. It is the unknown that gets to you. Again, the wall was about five feet five inches tall, exceptionally unique and absolutely beautiful. As it progresses, I began to think (I'm not really a big fan of thinking), thinking of a lot of things. I began thinking what my life would be in five years time. I began thinking about the things I haven't done. I began thinking about what I have been doing all my life. I thought about how and where I am now are going lead me in the course 5 years. What was I really looking for? A long list of the things I should be doing flashed right in front of me.

It was a short period of time which proved to be overwhelming. Although sad, I'm glad it went down in a good way. I finally realized what this was all about. It was not mostly about fear of events repeating themselves. It was mostly about regrets. Not regrets for the things I did. It was regret of the things I never did. Turns out I have one big regret: being inarticulate. I spoke in fragments. I hate myself for being inarticulate right up to the big moment when I really to say things. I might have said the things I wished to say, or not, but I bet it wouldn't go out the way how I wanted to say them. Why couldn't I communicate when I depended on it the most?

I know I might have caused trouble. I did what I thought I had to do. If you had found something you have been looking for but you had never thought possible, would you let it slip away? I couldn't. I saw something I had never thought possible in a person. A paradox. A human paradox. You cannot afford to be scared. You have to muster every ounce of courage out of your pathetic self so would never have to wonder what could have been.

The wall taught me a lot of things (not directly, mostly, but just knowing the wall). Like, the things I could do a lot of things only if I am willing to learn. Seriously, I never thought of picking up a music instrument. I feel bolder. Bold to do things I wouldn't normally do. Its one of those rare moments when I thought about something and decided to go through all the way. Above all, I learned that the room only stays dark if you keep the light from coming in.

....everything I say seems redundant. I'm lost for words. I keep talking about myself. How selfish.

Sad? Yes. It saddens me greatly

Hurt? Yes. One way or another, it cannot be avoided. I knew the risks and what is coming to me. I took it. I knew the risks from the very beginning.

Upset? No. For it was a great episode that made life seem interesting.

Are we friends?. I don't think I could because I am already in too deep. Honestly, I never approached you as one. And I don't think I could. Maybe for now.

I apologize for the mess I made and for other wrongs I did.

I still have a lot to say. Even the things I don't have to.

"If you were me, I am like you". I understood. I pray that it will work out for you, even it is ironic and very contradictory.

I'm being redundant again. Its time to let the heart call it a day.

...honestly, I never counted them. I just picked them out.


Amanda Christine Wong said...

may randy rest in peace...

HolyMacaroni said...

*sigh* take it easy mate..

KuRoNeKo-chan said...

too much dilemma... honestly...