Sunday, January 06, 2013

Just like the first day

Its been two years since I started teaching, I'm still nervous. Its been two years since I started teaching, I still need to rehearse my classes in my head every night before I go to bed. Its been two years and I still pace back and forth thinking of how I should conduct the class and myself. Its been two years and I'm still nervous. To be honest, after two years, I expect my mind to have accustomed to all this. It would be automatic. It would feel natural. Everyday at work is another regular day.

Is it because I'm scared? Is it because I dread the thought of having to do more than just interact with other people? Is it because I am avoiding being emotionally invested and actually showing any genuine emotion in my work?

All of us, in general, dream of a job that is fulfilling at multiple different levels. I have always imagined myself doing repetitive and mundane work. One that does not involve high level of interpersonal interaction. One that involves working with non-human entities; like computers, papers or machines of any kind what so ever. A job that does not oblige me of being emotionally invested. A job that allows me forget what happens at the office as soon as I press my thumb on the scanner. To return home without having it to cling on the back of my head as I watch TV, have dinner, wash dishes, have conversations, brush my teeth, iron my clothes, prop my bed and lie down to sleep.

So, this is a silly, immature and unrealistic thought. I am still very grateful of everything. I do realize that I still have better work benefits than most people deserve.

Here's to the start of the next day.

Cheers. Good night. And early to rise.

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