relationships

hey peeps. been away for some time. been busy i can tell ya that.

i suck at a lot of things. one of them is relationships. i'm not gonna talk about how i suck at keeping a relationship. i totally suck at starting one.

there's, like, a pattern: i hit on a girl and i'm all charming-like. We start out ok, getting to know each other and stuff. Then, as the momentum builds up, i started acting weird. she freaks out. i freak out. it goes downhill from there. its all jumbled up in a mixed-feelings du jour. it seems as if i couldn't stay likeable long enough to make it through the early phases.

just last week i flirted with a girl during some outstation. the way she responded was not promising but still very positive. yet, somehow i felt really guilty that i did. guilt\? how did that happened? isnt it supposed to be small amounts joy with a bit of giddyness and glee? this is somehow fucked up and it obvious that i have issues.

maybe it means i'm still not ready to be romantically involved. or maybe i should jump on the opportunity whenever it arises? i don't know this is all so confusing gosh.

i guess at this age its pretty common to have people tell you to get marry and stuff. Even my boss tell me that I should get married. but its all just social pressure and should give them the same answer as always: "When the time comes". (surprisingly, it kinda works across various situations. like "when are you going to do [activitiy A]?")

on an unrelated note, i sifted through my unpublished posts draft and i saw a post titled "akmal farahatul wahida". the contents were empty. i sure don't remember writing that one and i can't remember knowing anyone who goes by that name either. i guess i'll just delete that. or maybe just check what its all about later.