listen

One of the things I hate the most is when people telling what I should do and what I should care about. This might make sound arrogant, selfish and all but that's how it is. Even more irritating, I usually listen to their advice and just nod back (my way of showing approval, "yeah, I hear you"). Most people have the nerve to "insist" their ideas on me (read: shoving them down my throat).

All my life I felt everyone is trying to assert some amount of control over me.Like I said, telling me what to do and what I should be concerned about. Sometimes, even putting words in my mouth (even though I don't have a lot of words to go around with). I really hate that.

I just want someone who listens. I mean, someone who would listen without being judgemental. Someone who wouldn't force an advice when I don't ask for any. I need someone who listens. And people who really "listen" are very hard to find.

Ini adalah tokek.
Beliau sangat femes di pulau ini.
Beliau merupakan penghuni asal(tetap) di kediaman saya.
Beliau gemar mengeluarkan bunyi aneh ketika senja berlabuh dan jauh di tengah malam.
Beliau juga merupakan seorang yang pemalu.
Beliau tidak seperti cicak yang lain
kerana beliau adalah seekor tokek.

home is where the heart is

what really pains is the fact that i find it difficult to adjust myself socially. Its hard for me to be myself here: the part of me who is totally unfit to be a teacher. even more, this is a place where teachers are respected individuals and people know who you are. It wouldnt be smart to start being myself right away.

I have always been away from home for the most part in my life. So, im used to not missing people so much. Yup, you guessed it. Im starting to miss people. I miss the people who I am comfortable with. I miss the people who are more accepting of who I am. I know I should not be judging people but I know the people here are the kind who would not be as accepting. I just know it. Oh well. Time will tell.

but really. I miss the people who mind me goofing, perving, and dicking around. even in their faces. Oh, how i really have to grow up. I had to get out of my comfort zone sooner or later, which is now. but i REALLY hate being what people expect me to be. what they had in their minds how i should be. Oh, how individualistic i am.

for the time being, the best i could do is to be committed in getting the job done. Our lecturer, Mr. Bala, once advised that we avoid going all out in the first few years of teaching. Or we might risk total burnout. true. but like i said before in a previous post, commitment is difficult for me because I am like that of a gypsy. I am never in one place for too long. I have been on the move for the most part of my life. now that my family had settled on a permanent address, I am not always home. And i know i wouldnt be long here.

I have a home to come back to. and this is not home.


p/s: omg, look at the time!

to all,

you have no idea how i miss the old days.